Gratitude

I ran into one of Dad’s doctors today. They’re hard to catch since as hospitalists they don’t see patients for office visits. He got on the elevator I was using. We both looked at each other as though we’d seen each other before. Then I read his name on his coat and realized that he’d seen Dad in those final weeks. I thanked him for what he did for Dad. I called the case managers who had worked with Dad. Hopefully I can cross paths with the other three doctors and the nurses. Leaving messages is fine if that’s all you’re able to do. It’s nice to be able to thank someone in person.

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My father

Dad passed away on Monday, 4 June, 2018 at the age of 82. I mentioned going through people asking if I was ‘okay’ while he was still in the hospital. I’m still trying to figure out what that word means. I am working to help the dust settle and get his things and estate managed. I have a job to maintain and my mom to help out, so my life hasn’t simplified much now two months out. I’ll have a larger write-up about him soon.

No. I am not okay.

My father has been in the hospital for over a month, with a week in the middle, in a nursing facility for rehab. Most of the time he has been bedridden. It really doesn’t look good, and I have no idea how long he has.

Every time I post an update somewhere, people ask if I’m okay. I appreciate the concern but I don’t like being asked that because I don’t have a simple answer. I don’t like that question because I feel like I can’t answer honestly in an off-the-cuff fashion like the way people say “fine.”

It’s complicated. And most people who ask you how you’re doing in social settings are looking for a one or two word answer. They’re not expecting a full buffer-dump of details about all of the crap you’re dealing with.

Right now I am extremely tired. I’m stressed out more than I have been in my entire life. I’m trying to maintain a job, make sure there’s food in the house, get my mom to her appointments when she has them, check on my dad, and make some very unpleasant and difficult decisions on his behalf. I’m also trying to take care of myself, pay my bills, and get out and spend time with friends and in nature, and get as much rest as I can. I am probably dealing with a certain amount of depression and anxiety. I’m seeing someone monthly to talk that out. But none of this will begin to resolve itself until my dad is better.

I know everyone has their hearts in the right place when they ask, but when I see the question “Are you okay?” my first reaction is to roll my eyes.

I’ll be okay, just not right now.

More reasons for unbelief

Shit like this is why I cannot be a part of this religion anymore. All my life growing up teachers and others were feeding my head with this idea that Lincoln freed the slaves. 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments all ratified. Then I get to the church and find out I’m still a fucking slave. Christianity is the slave-master’s religion, and I recognize it as such. If Hell is the price then I’ll pay it. The world’s white idol can fuck off.