Killing the Straw Man

When I die, I want a judge, tax attorney, regular attorney, accountant, bankers, IRS tax examiners and auditors, Social Security Admin clerks, creditors, IT people, hackers and probably a few other people I’m not thinking of right now present at the graveside service.

All bequeathings, and gifts and so forth are to be distributed at this time to whatever beneficiaries I designate and those folks and representatives of my church and whatever charities I pick are to be present as well. Bring a truck and take it with you because this will be your only opportunity. Anything left will be dropped off at Goodwill after hours so there is no record of it. All remaining bills are to be paid to the penny as well as all tax debts.

The final tax return will be filled out and accepted by the IRS clowns. Whatever refund is coming will be immediately remitted to my church. All accounts will be shown to have a balance of ZERO. All accounts will be permanently closed. There is to be no correspondence as there will be NO ESTATE.

After this the IT people and hackers (and there’ll probably be some overlap there) will begin removing my name, addresses and social security number and other account numbers from any storage devices on the internet. I do not care if I signed something giving you a right to the information. I am rescinding that right and if necessary, my agents will hack the planet to take it out of your possession. They will also monitor the net to see if any identity thieves ever try to make use of my information. A small retainer will be paid to them in advance to ensure this happens. They will also work to develop a way to render information about me inert. That is you may know I lived. You may learn certain things about me. But you will not do anything with the knowledge.

I’m writing all this, and I guess this is science fiction of a sort at this point, because there is something that lives after us. It gets taxed. Computer database entries are made about it. It has employees. It gets used for malicious purposes. It gets mail decades after you are in the ground. You may have seen something on the internet about the “straw man” being a legal fiction. Well it’s very much an unfiction to people dealing with estate and probate issues after someone passes. So, when I go, I want mine GONE.

Yeah what I’ve said here is far-fetched. I’ve just felt for a long time that it’s right. A person should live on in the memories of the people they’ve left behind. There shouldn’t be any paper-pushing done in their name.

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